Thursday, 9 April 2015

The Best Way to Eat Your Easter Chocolate

Well, that time of year has come around again.  It is the days after Easter, and your baskets of chocolate have only slightly diminished.  There’s still stacks of it left, making damn sure you remain somewhat shy of “bikini body ready” for next summer.   If you’re unsure whether to eat it all in one go, throw it out, give it away, or savour it for the next few years due to the worlds ‘diminishing supply of cocoa’, I have some advice for you. 

I present here before me, the best way to eat your Easter chocolate.

I aim for, ‘eat as much as you can until you feel sick’.  Let’s be real, everyone looks at a giant chocolate bunny and thinks “hell yeah I can eat that all in one sitting”, gotten halfway through and realised that no, no you can’t.  But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.    

Think about it.  No one wants chocolate hanging around for months – you’ll never get into shape and if you keep eating a little bit every day, it feels as though it'll never end! No, you don’t drag the process out.  You need to eat it as quickly as you can.  This way, it’s all gone, and you physically cannot eat anymore because a). you’ll throw up, and  b). there’s none left.  Perfect!

On that note, you should eat the crappy chocolate first.  Got those cheap, shitty rip-off eggs that are usually in that turquoise blue or gold wrapping and sometimes psych you because they turn out to be white chocolate and not milk?  Yeah, gobble them up first.  There’s nothing worse than realising the last little bit of chocolate you have left is something shit. 

Next, eat all the tiny little boring Cadbury eggs, and the hollow ones a size up from that.  Save anything with popping candy (my god marvellous creations did well this year didn’t they?) and any special eggs such as the Maltese, Caramel or Turkish delight ones.  Yummo!

The things you want to leave until last are your Humpty Dumpty eggs, Lindtt bunnies and any other delicious large chocolatey items that are your favourites.  You’ve eaten through a shit-tonne of chocolate to get to these babies – make them count.   

Another tip I have for you, – and this one’s a real gem – only works when you’re eating a large hollow chocolate egg or bunny. 

Now we all know that a glass of milk after some chocolate is brilliant. Right? We all know this.  Nobody speaks about it, but it is a known common fact.  Polished off a mountain of chocolate? Have a glass of milk.  Done.  No questions asked. 

Now what I propose you do here is what I like to call ‘a spot of genius’.  

First, eat half or a portion of the hollow chocolate, and then make your way to the fridge.  Select the carton of milk.  Pour said milk into the chocolate.  Yes, into the chocolate.  If you ate it right, you should have a cup or bowl-like body of chocolate. Once filled with milk, your chocolate suddenly becomes a cup or makeshift glass. YOUR CHOCOLATE IS HOUSING YOUR MILK.  You can now drink the milky goodness AS YOU EAT YOUR CHOCOLATE.  Seriously, try this, it’s like the best thing ever.   Also, no dishes. 

You now have all the material you need to chomp through that chocolate mountain. 
You’re welcome :)  Make me proud!


Big fat chocolate-eating mess. 

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